Italian Mafia Don Is Dying

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

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Date added: 03 / 11 / 2008 , 08:23:26 PM

Black Toys

One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis on the black man in the adjoining urinal. "How do you guys do that?" asked Carl. "I mean, get such long dicks?" "Well," replied the black man, "when having sex, just push it in slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it."

After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked, "Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?"

"Yeah," said the wife. "You fuck like a black man!"

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Date added: 03 / 08 / 2008 , 04:11:26 PM

A Man Is Having Problems With His Toy

A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

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Date added: 03 / 06 / 2008 , 11:52:34 PM

Another Joke With God

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

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Date added: 03 / 06 / 2008 , 12:05:55 PM

Death In The Family

One day, a blonde’s neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying this time.

The blonde said, “I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!”

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Date added: 03 / 04 / 2008 , 04:53:25 PM

Larry’s Bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My beautiful wife is unfaithful to me.”

“Every Friday night, she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!”

“I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down.”

“Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry’s Bar?”

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Date added: 03 / 04 / 2008 , 04:54:10 PM

Fruits Of Love

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The old man replied, “I thought so… would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking my ducks!”

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Date added: 03 / 04 / 2008 , 02:54:32 PM

Bar Fighter

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men.

The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?”

The man said, “Here and there.”

The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?”

The man said, “This and that.”

The judge then said, “Take him away.”

The man said, “Wait, judge, when will I get out?”

The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later…”

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Date added: 03 / 04 / 2008 , 02:56:07 PM

New Computer Virus

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least …

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: re formats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

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Date added: 03 / 04 / 2008 , 02:57:12 PM

Missing My Friends

There is a blond a brunette and a redhead all stuck on an island for about 1 year.

Until one day the brunette finds a lamp and rubs it real hard and a genie comes out.

The genie says “Since there are three of you, I will grant you all one separate wish, three total.”

First the brunette says, “I miss my boyfriend, I want to go see him and have wild sex!”

So she goes back to America and pops up in her boyfriend’s room and have wild sex.

Next the red head says, “I miss my family, I want to go back to America!” So she is back in America.

Then the blonde starts crying and crying and crying. Finally the genie says in a very loud voice, “WHAT IS YOUR WISH?”

Then the blonde says, “I miss my friends bring them back please!”

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Date added: 03 / 04 / 2008 , 02:58:44 PM